Hum… It is now June. We are now in the summer months and true to its history OK is getting hot.
I’ve been thinking of what I’ve been missing being married for the second time. I am now 37 and counting down the days until my 2 year old is 18, so I can get out. I am not sure if that is my bp or real feelings. My husband has zero desire to be with me romantically. Even if he did, I’m not sure if he would know how to make me sing. Maybe, I never know… The quiet ones are the ones who keep those sexual secrets.
1. I hate that I am over 300 now. Man….. psych meds, steroids to heal my broken wrist, and just plan depressed because I signed up for a shot gun marriage with another man that can careless about my sexual and emotional happiness. I wonder if it is punishment for “having wayyyyyy to much fun” earlier in my life. If I could go back 20 years to my younger self, I would say…. workout!!!
Avoid any foods that taste good… Last, date a man pursuing a good career. In reality, I did the exact opposite. I made it through school, but each year of school was completed with an extra 15 plus pounds. BP and severe anxiety did not help. Now, after everything, I am a stay at home mom on social security living in a small subdivision with my husband who helps to take care of me. I have asked myself repeatedly if what he contributes is enough to make up for the loneliness I feel.
Touching him is like I touched him with lightning. Hugs take him by surprise, and I can feel the repulsion in his touch or lack their of. He says that he told me that he told me already before we got married that he was not interested in a romantic relationship with me. Maybe he did… I chose not to hear I guess. I had had relationships before him in which I believe the men cared for me. Or, was it I was just some sex.
2. What do I tell my daughter? I don’t want her to repeat my mistakes, yet I know she has her own road to travel. I only wish I will be available to her to assist her when needed. I want to encourage to be independent in her thinking, to take in the information and decided what is right for her. Parental advisement may be taken or not. I want her to miss me when I pass, not feel like her right arm is missing and never coming back. I feel like my life is active test in which I am currently failing. The study guide/cheat sheet/make up exams are not available.
I NEED HELP. SUICIDE. RUNNING AWAY. DRUGS. HIDING.