I forgot my posting spot. I googled the name of my blog and several different versions of blogs came up. I think the big this about all of this is to make money which pisses me off. I guess if I had the chance to make money off someone crazy woman’s rambles, I guess I would.
As you can tell, I am in a pissy mood. I saw on another blog a woman describing how she charts her moods. DUMB ASS!!!! Is what I thought. Drs and therapists encourage people new to the bp world to chart their moods, so they can have a better idea of when their mood changes or not, and most important if the fancy new drug is working. Again, I say DUMB ASS. There is no way to stop the wheel, cycle, swing, whatever you may call it. My meds are the best combo I have ever had since I was diagnosed in 2001. I am more aware of the mood changes and what I need to get through it. Rest is usually a good idea, plus taking meds (Ahhhh!), taking a shower and changing clothes. And if you can stand it go outside and get the mail or whatever task will motivate you to go outside for a few mins, sec. That is kinda how my low times go. I don’t really get to the place where I can’t get out of bed anymore. I stay on the let me bash your fucking head in with a hammer. Or, can I look through my scope miles away and pick people off one by one. Oh, my favorite let me be the one to pull the lever that releases the blade that separate you one from their heads. I use to have these type of dreams a lot. My psychiatrist said it was related to my PTSD. Maybe or maybe not… Doesn’t matter what caused it or why the thought of it brings me comfort, it is just there. I believe I would never act on such thoughts but the idea of such one-sided violence gives me the strength to deal with the Fucked Up pieces of what I call my life.
I am enjoying my cranberry grape juice with a touch of vodka. It is a smooth way to tame the beast. I did get approval from my psychiatrist. The warning was don’t make it a daily habit or something I NEED. I also can’t take one of my night meds.
I’ve been doing all the rambling. What do you dream about? Dark stuff or happy thoughts. I really don’t get to the point where I think all is well in the world. I may see that one to two days a month. The rest of the time, I live in survival mode of being a wife, mother, and a person who is tasked with managing her illness if she wishes to function in her family. I wish I could show you but my kids are smart and beautiful. The give me the strength to not walk out the door with the clothes on my back and leave the life I’ve built or known for a place of drugs, abuse, and eventually, hopefully a death proceeded by the best high I could have ever imagined.
One more thought, I like the idea of curing bp by taking an icepick and jamming it through my ear. The pain that I am speaking of is the result of years of meds and other alternatives that bandage the awfulness in my head. Sleep brings so relief. I will probably do that once my husband comes home with the very large labradoodle we have that loves to get pretty and have his mohock colored blue or purple or red even. He is a special boy. One of my “manic” purchases my husband says… he was free in the paper, but the training cost a small fortune.