I went to my favorite piercing studio to get some new jewelry for my nose ring and ear piercings. I left with a brand new tattoo of a butterfly. I dreamed of getting a lioness or something hard. I ended up getting something that has always been close to my heart. My sister called me radical. Since, I am unable to work. I want to live the life I wished for while studying for tests and working a job a hated.
I want to take care of my home and children with tender care instead of rushed lives. BUT….
My bp keeps me from being consistent. Right now, I have dirty laundry scattered in baskets in my bathroom and hall way. I also have a pile in front of the washer and dryer. I should be doing it, but… I’m here writing, watching a video, sleeping, or sewing. It is like I get stuck. I was the clothes but they don’t get put away. I have a horrible day where my mood is awful and I forget or cannot manage the clothes in the washer and they spoil and need to be rewashed. If I’m lucky, I bounce back the next day. If not, depression, anxiety, and anger holds me hostage for days. When I am released… I start all over washing, drying, and putting away. My husband washes dishes in the dishwasher like that is his professional job. I am happy he does. He keeps that part of the house clean. Most of the house is ok except for the areas I occupy, bedroom (my side), my bathroom, and a corner of the tv room where I like to sew when I can’t sleep or feel anxious.
Mental health is a balancing act and an act of self-love and FORGIVENESS. It has taken me a long time of psychotherapy, nightmares, crying, and getting angry to start to glimpse a space where I am ok with not having the high powered career life I was planning for. Instead, I constantly seek ways to embrace my new high-paying, high-powered executive position/CEO Mommy and Wife.
I once thought that being just a “mother” or “wife” was not living up to one’s potential. Boy… I was wrong. This is the hardest, most wonderful position that I have ever had the privilege of doing. I can say in the crashing of my “professional” dreams, I’ve found another life better suited for my abilities. No one judges me for staying in the bed late or wearing the same clothes for days. Or not showering. Some days, I walk around trying to figure out what I am suppose to do, because I forget when I get to that room or that space. I have learned to calm myself, write out what I want to do, or just surrender and watch a movie or show with the kids. No judgments, no arguing, just acceptance.
I can say we have been working on it for years. I want to say that tomorrow will bring sunshine and happiness, but I can’t make that promise. BP holds me hostage most nights to the chemistry of my brain. I have a good set of meds now and a life with less stress. I am lucky to have minimal deep depression days and angry, irritable days. Now, I know that I can make it through any day sad or angry. I must take care of me. No one can do that for me. Right now, I understand I must do that. Tomorrow… who knows. The shadows on the wall may convince me that I would be better off without meds and a family. lol
Real truth: I was ready to run away last week. I was going to leave with the clothes on my back and sleep with the homeless people. Crazy, manic yes! I believed it and considered it a valid option to the aching and pain I felt inside for not living up to some standard or ideal I invented in my head.
I hope that you, the reader, find a place of peace within you that you can go to when the demons and voices start to fill your head with noise and crazy thoughts. I put a fish tank next to my bed in Dec. The slow pour of water from the filter and the clarity of the view reminds me to breath and relax. It allows me to listen and let the meds work so I can be in a better place.
No one can tell you that it is time that you move on, get over it, stop it, pray about it, work through it… It is never going away. No matter how long we pray, chant, wish, cry. We must learn to live, live, live and not be afraid. If you will, I will walk with you and share my story. Don’t worry about writing back. Opening the computer and looking at this may be the only thing you can do today, and I thank you for reading this. I send positive energy out to you.